Dealing With The Loss Of A Pet
Pets bring us love and companionship that transforms our lives. As such, saying goodbye to a loved one - whether due to death or separation - is always sad, stressful, and often traumatic, and impacts people in many different ways.
Everyone here at the Anthony V Martin Foundation has dealt with the bereavement of a furry friend, and we wanted to write this article for those who may be currently experiencing a pet loss.
The loss of a beloved friend can be one of the hardest things to endure…
You may experience many uncomfortable and confusing emotions as you cope with the pain of grief, ranging from shock and disbelief to guilt and even anger. In turn, these problems may affect your physical health, making it difficult to eat, drink, or even do the things you normally do. Moreover, you may feel sick or suffer from aches and pains.
These feelings may be unwelcome, but they're perfectly normal and are a clear indication of the special bond between pets and their owners. It's important to give yourself as much grieving time as you need. You lost someone very special to you, so you'll miss them - it's only natural. Unfortunately, not everyone understands this suffering and it can sometimes feel like a very lonely experience.
Our only response is: we understand. We hope the advice below will help you ease the pain of losing your beloved companion during such a difficult time.
Grief doesn't follow a set order or sequence, and any emotion you feel is valid, whether or not it belongs to the five stages of grief. When you grieve, you might feel like there are certain reactions you should be having, but there is no right or wrong way to grieve. However you are feeling about your loss is unique to you.
Speak with your veterinarian or general practitioner if you're struggling. It is possible that they can refer you to a bereavement counsellor. You can also find comfort in reading other people's experiences and different coping strategies - and the PDSA have provided us with a list of books, websites and helplines that offer advice below.
Helping children understand grief…
Losing a pet can be very hard for children. Often, it will be their first experience of death and it can be difficult for them to understand what’s happened to their friend.
It’s best to be honest. Try not to use phrases like ‘put to sleep’ – this can be confusing, especially for younger children. They might think their pet is resting and will come back soon. It’s also best not to tell them your pet has been ‘rehomed’ or ‘gone to live somewhere else’. Your child might think it’s their fault your pet is gone or hope that they come back again.
How you manage the situation will depend on your child’s age.
Younger children may not have much understanding of death but will miss their pet being around. They might ask you where the pet has gone and will be aware when you’re upset at the loss.
Older children will have more of an understanding. They might ask you questions like ‘will my other pets be lonely?’, ‘what’s happened to him now?’ These questions might be hard for you when you’re upset but it’s important to answer them as openly and honestly as you can.
Don’t rush to get a new pet. It might feel like that will help you and your children cope with their loss but it can also delay the healing process or even trigger other confusing emotions. It’s better to wait until the whole family is ready and excited to welcome another four-legged friend.
Ways to remember your pet…
Perhaps you would like to have a funeral or memorial for your pet after they pass away. A memorial service may involve burying their collar, scattering their ashes, saying a prayer, or simply taking some time to remember them.
After you've taken time to grieve, you might start to feel like you want to celebrate your pet's life and remember the good times you had together. There are many ways to remember your pet. Keepsakes and photographs can be a wonderful way to feel connected to your beloved pet. Alternatively, you may want to plant a newly selected tree or plant in their favourite location.
Books, website and helplines…
The PDSA, a charity we have supported in the past has compiled a list of resources which you may find useful in coping with the loss of a pet, and we simply had to share it:
“Absent Friend: Coping with the loss of a treasured pet” by Laura and Martyn Lee, published by Henston Ltd. (ISBN 978-1850540892)
“Companion Animal Death” by Mary F Stewart, published by Butterworth-Heinemann (ISBN 978-0750640763)
“A Loving Farewell” by Davina Woodcock, published by DogSense Publications (ISBN 978-0954163600)
“Goodbye, Dear Friend” by Virginia Ironside, published by JR Books Ltd. (ISBN 978-1906217938)
Pet Bereavement Support Service (PBSS) Freephone - 0800 096 6606 Email - pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk
PDSA National Collection of Pet Memories Freephone 0800 591248
Cat's protection "Paws to listen" free and confidential grief support service Freephone - 0800 024 94 94
For children:
“Missing my pet” by Alex Lambert, published by BGTF Ltd (ISBN 978-0955411816)
Getting a new pet…
The decision to share your life with a companion animal once again is a matter of personal choice, but there are many wonderful reasons to do so. In the wake of losing a pet, it may seem logical to immediately get another one to fill the void. However, it is often best to grieve the old pet first, and wait until you are emotionally ready to take on a new pet. A good place to start might be volunteering at a shelter. The experience of volunteering for pets in need is not only great for the animals, but it can also help you decide whether you're ready to get a new pet.
Those who live alone after retirement may have a difficult time adjusting to life without a pet and you may want to consider getting another pet at an earlier stage if taking care of an animal provided you with purpose and self-worth as well as companionship.
It really is up to personal preference and your individual circumstances, but all we know is that your pets will always be with you, and you'll always have the option to introduce new animal companions into your life.
This article was written in loving memory of Hans and Tilly.